It matters only in the depth of one’s vision.
The only aspect where ego size is an important factor is the length and breadth of one’s vision.
Those with large visions will try for larger achievements.
Those with limited visions, yet relatively healthy egos will have smaller visions of what is possible to them.
Yet, a healthy ego has in its power to increase the size of its vision by facing facts, increasing skill level, and being willing to attempt great things, even though temporary failure could result.
Size matters only in the depth of one’s vision.
That is something that can grow if you’re willing to take action.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
How far and wide is my vision of what is possible to me?
Is my vision wider or narrower now than it was when I was younger?
How can I expand my vision of what’s possible?
Ego Defenses against Sharp Tongues and Strangers
Ego defenses are usually the inappropriate, counter-productive ways that a weak ego will use to protect itself from harm, rather than positively facing the challenge at hand.
It is beyond the scope of this article to outline all these defenses. (A good discussion of them can be found in Ego Psychology and Social Work Practice by Eda G. Goldstein.)
Suffice to say, that most of us have come up with ways to protect our fragile ego, such as giving in to fear and withdrawing from life.
For instance, Tom is a basically shy person when approaching strangers. Deep down, he fears that he will be hurt by humiliation, indifference, ridicule, or some such negative reaction.
So, he is very hesitant to approach strangers unless they approach him first.
The only time he’s been able to effectively counter this tendency is when he has been placed in such a role (such as an officer of a club) in which he was called on to open conversations with people.
But, most of the time he is fearful of starting a conversation.
Where did he get this fear?
He may have gotten it somewhere in his childhood.
A parent or significant person in his life may have had this fear.
They may have had a sharp tongue. It could have hurt and made Tom shrink before it. Rebelling against it may have been out of the question.
Tom was trained to be accepting, quiet, and not to speak back.
It’s taken him most of his life to begin to counteract this.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
Do I have ego defenses?
What do they protect me from?
What do they prevent me from doing?
Three Ways to Do It Wrong
If you have an inadequate, not fully developed ego, you may have tried to cope by 1) Being unsure and afraid, waiting for and seeking the praise of others to validate whatever you are trying to do.
2) Pretending to be cocky, sure of yourself, even bold — yet as afraid as #1, either seeking approval or avoiding at all costs disapproval.
3) Being critical of others, putting them down.
The weight of this on one’s psyche is to make it tremendously more difficult to do the simplest tasks.
When people talk of the “baggage” that someone carries with them, this is the grand-footlocker of them all — one’s sub-prime ego.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
How do I cope?
Do I seek other’s approval?
How would I like to be?
Do You Have to Face Facts?
In a previous post, we’ve talked about the two views of reality and how they interact with the ego, either supporting the ego’s efforts or detracting from them.
One of the central functions of your ego is reality testing.
It is your ability to face the facts and take appropriate action.
If you deny or hide the facts it becomes much harder if not impossible for your ego to function properly.
Back during the Cold War, one of the reasons that the Soviet Union could not sustain itself (and finally fell apart) was that facts were ignored under the assumption that the Soviet state could decree what were acceptable facts and what were not.
Yet, facts have a way of eventually asserting themselves.
To deny facts is to deny reality and to deny life itself.
Ego is that part of you that faces the world, discovers the facts, and takes action.
A major detractor of finding, facing, and acting on the facts is fear, which we will discuss briefly next.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
How do I test reality and get the facts?
Does my ego face or fear facts?
How do I determine what the facts are?
Fear, Zest, and Cold Hard Facts
Fear, which is an emotion-driven by one’s assessment of the facts, as well as one’s subconscious motivations, can prevent your ego from doing what it was designed to do, help you achieve what you want to achieve in life.
When such achievement is based on reality, on facts, ego is doing its work.
But, when you attempt to achieve something but are stopped by emotions, not facts, your ego is prevented from doing its job.
Emotions can be fuel for action. They also can be a reward for successful action.
But when they are not backed up by facts they have no power to create reality.
Existence exists.
Your emotions help you enjoy existence and give you the zest you need to pursue goals — if they are backed up by facts. Cold, hard facts.
Again, this is why one’s primary orientation towards reality is so crucial to achievement.
Questions for Self-Reflection:
How do my emotions help or hinder me?
What do I fear?
Do I let fear prevent me from doing what I want?
Your ego is your self. It’s your self-image; your idea of what is possible.
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Ken West is the author of Your Ego: It’s Your Salvation, Not Your Original Sin, Achieve Your Purpose, Get What You Want, Your Life Zones, and Capitalism WIIFM: It’s the Key to Your Future
